“[Life is] like driving a car at night. You never see further than your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.” – E. L. Doctorow

A year and a half ago, my life was certain. I was in a steady job, with a steady paycheck and for the first time in my life, I never had to worry about money. Unfortunately, it was the wrong path for me. I have always been an artist and could no longer ignore the nagging sense of purpose that I simply wasn’t living up to at a corporate day job.

As I was within a year of turning 30, I felt that my life could be so much more than working a day job while putting off my dreams. A year and a half later, my life is completely different. I left my job and moved from Vermont to Chicago. I am self employed. I earn a living doing what I love to do. How did I get here? The first thing I had to learn quickly was how to handle and embrace uncertainty. Learning to love uncertainty didn’t happen overnight, but I never imagined that I would actually begin to like not knowing what lies ahead.

How I Faced Uncertainty

Leaving my job and my only source of income brought a high level of uncertainty into my life. It brought a whole lot of anxiety too! On top of that, moving to a big city where I had no friends, family or connections added many more unknowns. Leaving my job and moving to Chicago would have felt terrifying if I hadn’t done my research first.

First of all, I had been honing my skills as a camera operator and videographer over the past few years in Vermont. I knew I had a reasonable chance at making money with my camera as I had been getting a few freelance gigs here and there. While the industry in Vermont is too tiny to support much film and video production, the industry in Chicago is larger, but not too large to make it impossibly difficult to break in. My research indicated that I could make things happen faster in Chicago than in more traditional production cities like Los Angeles or New York. Plus, Chicago was more affordable, which was a huge plus since I wanted to be a self employed freelancer. I had to be frugal and you could be frugal without being destitute in Chicago.

Secondly, I did have valuable, employable skills working as a project manager and provisioner for large telecommunications companies at my old job. My project management skills would translate to any other industry. One of my former clients I managed also had a large presence in Chicago which did give me a local connection, if even at a superficial level.

Thirdly, I had saved up a couple months of living expenses, so I had a cushion in the bank. My wife was completely on board with the move, too. I knew that if things didn’t work out in Chicago, I could always go back to Vermont. My old job would probably be there for me if I returned, and it would be easy to get back on my feet again.

My uncertain future didn’t feel as scary since I had a plan, a back up plan and an escape route. I used my imagination to create “artificial certainty”. Also, I knew that whatever happened, it would be an incredible learning experience. If I did quit my job and move to Chicago to pursue my passion and it didn’t work out and I had to return to a day job back in Vermont, I would have no regrets and would be better prepared for Plan B.

Freedom or Security

I’ve heard it said many times that you can either have freedom or security. I think that security is an illusion and that freedom is the only secure thing we have. Let’s take a look at security for a moment:

We all know that jobs are not secure. A steady paycheck is never secure. In fact, as an employee, you have absolutely no control over your job duties, your paycheck or your ongoing employment. On top of that, 40 years of working doesn’t necessarily secure your retirement. It doesn’t necessarily lead to financial security, either. It might feel like putting off risky dreams in order to have a secure paycheck is the reasonable (grown up) thing to do. In fact, it really is only an excuse for inaction. So many people justify years or decades of sitting in a cage of mediocrity with the fear of losing one’s paycheck and not being able to support their family. Never mind that the alternative is that pursuing your own path could provide a better life and future for you and your family!

On the other hand, I have found that freedom is more secure. Right now, I am in complete control over how much money I make. I can’t snap my fingers and instantly bring in a 6-figure income, but I now have the time, energy and motivation to make that happen in the next few years. I can’t guarantee that I will retire rich, but I have the time, energy and motivation to cultivate wealth that will pay off later in life.

Furthermore, I am free to choose my career direction. If I want to refocus my interests, or pursue a different direction in film and video production, I can. No more hoping for a promotion, jumping through hoops to impress higher ups and no more frustration that my day-to-day activities are not fully utilizing my skills and talents. Boredom is a thing of the past. I cannot tell you the last time I played Spider Solitaire!

One year and a half after leaving my job and moving to Chicago, my life is uncertain. My future is uncertain. I never know from month to month how I will pay the rent or put food on the table. But I’ve been doing this successfully these past 15 months! I am living a life that is much more fulfilled, peaceful and creative. I am much more happy and hopeful. I’ve never missed a rent payment or gone hungry.

An added bonus in pursuing my own path is that while the current recession woes have most people fearing for their homes, their jobs and their 401k’s, I have been able to sleep at night knowing that my future, and to an extent my income, is not affected by recessions, corporate down sizing and growing unemployment numbers. I am doing well right now. I am not rolling in money, but I’m eating well and paying the rent. I’ve had a few difficult months here and there, but I am surviving and thriving. I’ve had a positive cash flow month after month.

Living in the Present

The most profound benefit that I’ve noticed since embracing uncertainty is that I live my life much more focused in the present. This is a good place to be. Living in the moment leads to greater enjoyment of life. It promotes conscious decision making. I have found that living in the present while planning for the future brings security into my life.

I always struggled with living in the present. I was always future-focused and needed to know where I was going and exactly how to get there. My attention would forever be fixated on a future goal or achievement and I often tuned out and ignored my present situation if it was uncomfortable. Unfortunately, it is extremely difficult to enjoy life in this state of mind.

While I was starting my self employment journey, I would get caught up in worrying about the future. I would worry about making the right decisions at the right time. I’d worry about money, getting clients and finding enough business. I noticed this pattern of worry and realized that it was interfering with my ability to focus on what I should be doing to be successful. I was presented with a choice. I could devote all my energy to future-focused worry, or I could devote my energy and attention the the present. This shift in consciousness cleared the way for me to find clients, build my business and enjoy the freedom of my new life.

Getting into the drivers seat of my own life has sharply focused my attention on living in the present. I have seen worry and anxiety practically leave my life. I worry from time to time, but I always remember that I can either flee from uncertainty and embrace mediocrity, or I can learn to love uncertainty and embrace abundance.

Right now, I am loving the uncertainty and excited by the adventure of living the life I want.

There is a major difference between those who are arachnophobes and the rest of the world who simply dislike spiders. Of course, there’s those crazy types that actually like spiders.

I am an arachnophobe and so my nature is to dislike spiders, but it goes much further than that. We arachnophobes live in a world where spiders lurk behind every corner. They lie in wait on the ceiling over the couch or the bed waiting for just the right moment to dangle inches from our faces on their sticky, silky threads. They lurk among the papers of my cluttered desk, and when I least expect it, they’ll charge across my keyboard like a streaker at a football game. I can’t clean out a basement, garage or closet without keeping a watchful, nervous eye out for anything that creeps or crawls or scurries on eight legs. My nightly routine before going to bed consists of scanning the corners of my bedroom ceiling and checking around the window frames for spiders. This routine has become such a part of my subconscious that I don’t even realize I’m doing it. My wife gives me an inquisitive look on occasion wondering what the hell I’m looking for.

Now I know it’s silly to be terrified of spiders. While I’m in the grips of paralyzing terror, uncontrollable shivering and the sensation that I have a thousand spiders crawling on me, I know my fear is downright ridiculous. I used to feel that there was absolutely nothing I could do and would have to live my life this way. My greatest fear was about what would happen if I was driving my car and a spider ran across my steering wheel.

When I got the chance to meet a coworker’s pet tarantula a couple years ago, I hesitantly agreed to go look at it. What I didn’t realize until I was at his cubicle was that he was holding the thing in his hands. I looked around at my other coworkers who were gathered around with smiles on their faces. They knew about my arachnophobia. I knew what was going on. It was time to face my fear. (Never tell friends, family or coworkers what you’re afraid of. They WILL use it against you someday!)

I could have freaked out and ran back to my desk. But I didn’t want to. I actually wanted to hold this spider that was almost the size of my hand, and feel the exhilaration of facing my fear. I asked my coworker if I could let it crawl across my hands.

My coworker gently placed his hands next to mine and the spider (I don’t remember what her name was) slowly crept from his hands to mine. My knees were shaking. My body was stiff. I was breathing hard and fast. The only thing I can remember was watching intently as the tarantula slowly made it’s way across my outstretched, right hand and crossing over onto my left hand. It’s feet were sticky. It was lighter than it looked. After a few seconds, I frantically told my coworker to take the spider.

I couldn’t bring myself to pet her, but I was proud of my accomplishment. It’s a little thing. Not the greatest achievement of my life. But I’m proud of the way I forced myself to have the experience of facing my fear without taking the easy route and chickening out. I had more to gain from the experience of handling a tarantula and more to loose from simply giving into fear.

While my tarantula experience has not completely cured my fear of spiders, I learned that I do have a choice in how I deal with fears, even irrational ones. I can either choose to grow and face my fears or I can refuse to grow and hold myself back from having a better life. The easy path leads to stagnation, but the hard one opens up new possibilities.

Are your fears holding you back? Is it time to make the decision to face your terror and grow?

“It is better to fail spectacularly than to achieve mediocrity.” – Randy Pausch

Fear and anxiety is something I struggle with on a daily basis. It’s just the way I am. I’m a “worse-case-scenario-thinker” which means that I imagine the absolute worse thing that could possibly happen has a high likelihood of occurring. This is not all bad, since it means I am well prepared for critical jobs and can often anticipate problems before they become catastrophes. However, this mindset gets in the way when strapped into a harness and preparing to cruise on a zip line 100 feet over the Mexican jungle; or when making life-changing decisions.

Perceived Risk vs. Actual Risk

As a worse-case-scenario-thinker, I am focused on the perceived risk instead of the actual risk. In the case of zip lining, the perceived risk is that the line would break and I would plummet 100 feet into caiman-infested waters below. The actual risk is negligible. There were two cords on the zip line, both of which were capable of holding more than three times my weight each. The greater risk was that my fear of heights would prevent me from having such a freeing and exhilarating experience.

When applying this concept to daily life, learning the difference between perceived risk and actual risk puts into perspective what I have to potentially loose or gain when making life-changing decisions.

I was terrified when I left my day job back in January 2008 to pursue a freelance videography career. I didn’t know if I would be able to make enough money to live on. I didn’t know if I’d be able to eat, pay rent or even afford the additional camera equipment needed to get professional work. The risk felt huge and the potential negative outcome (starvation and bankruptcy) was equally looming. Putting my dream off and staying put in a day job that interfered with my ability to focus on my career aspirations was making me miserable and becoming less of an option.

In order to move forward, I decided to name my nightmare by writing down the worse-case-scenario that might result from leaving my job. Then I worked out what my plan would be to get back on my feet should the worse case happen. What I realized is that the risk was a lot smaller than I had thought when put into perspective. I was just as likely to be successful, probably more so than I was to fail. And even if I did fail, there would be other day jobs and ways to make money to survive. In short, I could quickly get myself back to where I was. Furthermore, I realized the actual risk of staying at my day job was higher than the perceived risk of leaving my day job. By staying put, I was risking NOT having passion and happiness in my life. I was risking NOT doing what I loved for a living and having the freedom to be creative and be myself. The actual risk of leaving my job to follow my dream was negligible – temporary financial difficulty. Nine months in, I have taken a couple temp jobs here and there, but I have maintained my standard of living, increased the amount of time I have to work on what I am passionate about and have been able to replace my salary with freelance videography work. I feel happier and healthier than I did when I was making a steady paycheck.

So, what are you afraid of changing in your life? What perceived risk is holding you back from living the life you want?

Step 1 – Name Your Nightmare: Write down your worse-case-scenario. This is the worse possible outcome of your decision to start a business, change your career, go back to school, etc.

Step 2 – Name Your Vision: Write down the best-case-scenario. This is what would happen if success was guaranteed no matter what.

Step 3 – Plan Your Rebound: Now that you are thinking more positively, return to your worse-case-scenario and write down all the ways you could return to your current situation financially, etc… There are always options. What jobs could you get? Could you return to your old job or company? What are other talents you could capitalize on to make money and supplement your income? What items around the house could you sell if you needed extra cash? Could you rent out a spare bedroom, park your car and carpool/take public transportation for a couple months? How difficult would it REALLY be to get back on your feet? This is a brainstorm session, so do not spend too much time worrying about the detailed logistics of your rebound ideas. Just make a list and do not rule anything out.

Step 4 – Determine The Actual Risk: What would you gain or loose by pursuing your dreams if you were successful (a higher income, more time with family, a sense of purpose and fulfillment)? What would you gain or loose by playing it safe and staying put?

PS – Here’s another fear I faced recently. This was all peer pressure, though…